Only Things In The World Worse Than An Angry Mob
by StrangeGirl
Summary: Erik enlists the help of an odd little girl to protect himself against his phangirls that he recently discovered existed. Pure, odd, fun.


A\N: My humor is a bit odd, and the ending is more than a bit sudden...I know I have things to work on, but please read anyway. Au revoir!

Once upon a time there was a little girl whose name was Amaryllus. (Yes, that really was her name.) Since everyone in her kindergarten class were average little children, they couldn't pronounce her name and thus made fun of her for it. Her teacher sympathized with her though: "Poor little girl, no one can pronounce her name….poor little Ama…Ayma…Amu…Amary…Amyr…."

For the teacher was an average little adult of four foot nine…and had the mentality of a five year old.

How then, you ask, could she have had the skills to go to college so that she might become a kindergarten teacher? Well, the world works in strange ways.

Ahem.

Well, my point is that because of the insolent little children in her class, Amaryllus spent a lot of time by herself…and became very strange. For one thing, she was always making up absurd songs that ended morbidly…and she wasn't scared of "grownups", in fact she spoke with them quite often and liked to just start talking about nothing at all. Once you got Amaryllus going, it was very hard to get her to shut up, if you don't mind me saying so.

Anyway, one day Little Amaryllus (who really wasn't little at all, and actually was quite a big girl of four foot one, very tall for a five year old, but whom we must call "Little" because that is the way that these stories go,) was walking down the sidewalk, as she wasn't allowed to walk down the road because she was only five. As she walked, she plucked stems of grass out from the dirt outside the houses that were next to the sidewalk; she thought about picking flowers, but of course she was a sweet girl and wouldn't dare harm nature, and hummed a little song to herself. The song, oddly enough, went like this:

_"There once was a man from Peru_

_Who lived in an Elephant Zoo_

_He wore rubber boots_

_And walked through the shoots_

_Until it sank in to his shoe!"_

She soon began to dance, throwing the grass stems into the air as she skipped along, continuing the song in her best singing voice---which wasn't very good. She was so caught up in her singing that she didn't notice the pained groan that seemed to be coming from the bushes.

"_The man didn't know what to do_

_Oh no, what could the poor man do?_

_For elephant dung:_

_It stuck and it stung_

_His poor foot, inside of the shoe!"_

The groan slowly became louder, but still poor "Little" Amaryllus did not notice; she continued on to the final verse of her little ditty, attempting what vaguely looked like high-kicks just beside a climb of bushes.

_"The man decided to go to the doctor, yeah_

_But the doctor was clueless to his pli-i-ight_

_And sawed his foot off, _

_with a sneeze and a cough_

_Wishing the man nighty-night!"_

Accidentally kicking the bushes several times, she squealed, finally finishing the morbid little song (that really no five year old should know…but for the purposes of the tale, she did,) and plopped down on the sidewalk, screaming as the pavement came in contact with her rear. "It didn't _look _like it would hurt," she wailed, and then began sobbing at the top of her lungs, as many little girls are wont to do when they have a boo-boo.

As Amaryllus buried her hands in her face and cried, a dark shape suddenly and unexpectedly loomed up from behind the bushes…and, of course, the young musical genius next door began to play dark and depressing music that should have warned anybody to get out of the way, for something wicked that way was surely coming. A group of opera singers wandering down the street pointed at Amaryllus and sang, "Something wicked this way comes!" at her…yet another warning ignored by the hysterical girl.

She also, miraculously enough, ignored the people in Telletubby costumes who were singing and pointing at the shape behind the bushes…what EXACTLY they were saying could not be made out, but there was a tuba player trying to catch up to them who kept playing his E flats off key, so it couldn't have been good.

The dark shape, as we shall call this figure which has inspired everyone in this story to play andor sing dark and forboding songs, chuckled and set his gloved hands on the girl's shoulders, whispering in a dark and menacing voice, "At last, I've found you!"

Amaryllus immediately stopped crying and turned around, staring at the man before her. He was, weirdly enough, clad in Victorian evening clothes; a black suit, with a matching cape and fedora…and a white mask that covered half his face.

Tilting her head to the side, the young girl said, "Ya know, Mister, Halloween is in a couple'a months, why're you dressed up so early?"

The man's eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to speak, but the Amaryllus cut him off. "But it's okay that you're wearing a costume---it's act-chully kind of nice, 'cuz I don't know any other grownups who wear fancy things like that all the time---but can I wear one too? We can play dressup together! I CLAIM PRINCESS! I CLAIM PRINCESS!" She leapt up off of the ground and jumped excitedly, clapping her hands together.

"Er…" The dark shape winced, and attempted to speak once again, but Amaryllus was too quick for him.

"But it's okay if you don't wanna play dress up…maybe we can play something else like…like Barbies, or horses, or...or…something! So, whaddya think, Mister?" She gazed up at him with large eyes….seriously, they seemed to grow until they were abnormally big and taking up half of her face.

The man was convinced; this girl was just frightening enough for what he had in mind. "Little girl…er…what's your name?" he asked her curiously.

"Amaryllus. A-M-A-R-Y-L-L-U-S."

"Amaryllus?"  
The little girl stared in shock at the mysterious man before her. "You…you…you pronounced my name correctly!"

"Yes….I did…" The man was confused. What was wrong with this girl?

Before he could react properly, Amaryllus squealed and wrapped her arms around his waist. "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You don't know HOW much that makes my day!" she pulled back from her present task of suffocating him to smile widely, showing all of her rather large teeth. "I'll do _anything _for you now, Mister! What's your name?"

The man sighed. "If I tell you, will you do exactly what I ask of you?"

"Yup!"

He sighed again. "Do you REALLY want to know?"

"Of course!"

"But you'll laugh."

"I'm only five. I don't get much, trust me."

"Good point." He straightened himself up to his full height and peered down at her menacingly. "Erik, the Phantom of the Opera," he said in a low voice. "But don't exactly go around telling everyone that."

Amaryllus squinted and tilted her head to the right. "E-rik the what of the what?"

"The…the Phantom of the Opera," he whispered.

"OOH! The Pantom of the Opewa!" she said as loudly as her immature voice could handle.

"SHHH!" he hissed, bending down and hiding behind the bushes, "Only WHISPER from now on, you got it?"

"Okay," Amaryllus whispered, joining Erik behind the bushes.

Erik scowled and closed his eyes. _I can't believe this. _He thought. _I was once the very epitome of power and intimidation, and look at me now! So desperate as to enlist the help of a little girl, whilst hiding behind the **bushes!** _He winced and opened his eyes, staring right at the little girl. "Now listen, and listen well, I'm only going to say this once. You may not believe it, pitiful little creature that you are, but it's true: I _am _the dreaded Phantom of the Opera, who has journeyed from my home in 1876 to escape the mob that is after me as of late."

"Ooh! Time-travel man!"

He rolled his eyes. _I have to remember that I'm talking to a five-year old here, _he thought to himself. "I myself didn't even know it was possible…but apparently there is a…oh how do I phrase this…a time gap behind the Opera House…which I fell through. So now I'm stuck here with something worse than an angry mob after me."

Amaryllus's eyes widened even more at this. "What could be worse than an angry mob?"

"Not much, really, but this, I assure you, is. It's something that I had never encountered before in my lifetime…now I'm warning you, this is very strange, and you might be frightened. Perhaps you have heard of these things before, but I assure you, do not be scared for they appear to only be after me, and—"

"Will ya pwease just tell me what these things are?" _Grownups, _Amaryllus thought, _are always using big words to make them sound good._

"All right…but do not scream, I need you," he stage-whispered. "I am told that they are called…phangirls."

At this, Amaryllus burst out laughing.

"What in h---I mean, what in the world is so funny?" Erik demanded, his face turning red.

"Oh, mister, you've never met a PHANGIRL? Oh my gosh, my _sister _is one! I see them every day! They don't scare me!"

"Oh. Well…then you are perfect for what I had in mind," he mumbled, trying to hide his embarrassment. He peered out from the bushes and down the road, eyes widening in fear as he ducked down again. "Look, a group of them are coming for me! I didn't think they'd be able to find me but…ah, it is of no consequence. Here is what I need you to do…" At this, he whispered his instructions in her ear.

"That's all? Simple."

"Good, because here they come!"

Sure enough, screaming girls plastered with fan-shirts and buttons were running down the road, stopping in the area right in front of the Phantom and Amaryllus's hiding place.

"Where did he go?" one girl asked another.

The other girl tilted her nose in the air and began to sniff. "Hmmm…if I can perhaps….sniff him out…"

The first girl rolled her eyes. "Arielle, you know and I know that this whole sniffing thing of yours is a bunch of---"

The second girl, who was considerably shorter, brown haired, and very energetic, hissed, "SHUSH. My senses…they're tingling….they are, I swear, Laurel!"

"Riiiiight. Well, what are your senses telling you?"

Arielle paused. The rest of the phangirls turned to her, watching intently as she sniffed the air, occasionally making interesting movements with her hands.

Several seconds passed.

One person reading this stopped and turned to their mother, asking for a cookie.

The author cleaned her fingernails.

Several people in distant countries died.

People who happened to be shopping at Hot Topic suddenly realized their bandanas were flying up.

Someone made a life changing discovery, and then promptly was squished by an enormous banana.

Arielle finally stopped her antics and stared straight ahead, making "spirit fingers." Everyone leaned forward in anticipation, and several people fell over.

"Well?" asked Laurel, flipping back her long blonde hair, "Where is he?"

"I sense…." Arielle began in a eerie voice, "that he is….Everywhere."

Someone blinked.

"That was VERY helpful, Arielle," Laurel stated, rolling her eyes and turning away, "VERY helpful."

"Or if you want a straightforward answer, he's behind those bushes," Arielle said in a perfectly normal voice, pointing to the very place where Erik was hiding.

Erik then muttered several words that small children are not allowed to hear (Amaryllus gasped, thinking _Oh my gosh he said a BAD WORD!) _and leapt from behind the bushes, dragging the small girl with him.

Upon seeing him, the phangirls' eyes widened and they began to advance towards him…

"Don't come any further!" Erik cried, hoisting a very confused looking Amaryllus into the air.

Arielle gasped and tried to run away, but was pulled back by several of the taller phangirls.

"Where do you think YOU'RE going?" hissed Laurel, "You're supposedly our leader, and now you're running away?"

"Well, you can't blame me!" Arielle cried, looking at the child fearfully, "she IS almost as tall as me! I'm frightened of small children!"

Everyone shook their head in sympathy and let her run away to a far off place…to be exact, Canada, where she later married a blonde prince named Snickerdoodle…

But that is another story and shall be told another time.

Erik smiled, happy to be rid of at least one of the girls, and held up Amaryllus a little bit higher. "Now, I suggest that you all do the same thing as your…._leader _there, and leave the premises immediately."

"Ha!" exclaimed Sara, a girl relatively new to phandom and therefore unknowing of the respect one must show to Erik, "you think THAT GIRL can scare US off? She might have scared Arielle, but not US!"

Sara was promptly hushed by Laurel, who had assumed the position of Leader after Arielle had run off. "We mean you no ill will," she said, "but what my dear _colleague _means to say is that we have encountered many a intimidating thing, so that this seems inconsequential."

Several people rolled her eyes at Laurel's unnecessary use of what they called "big words" and what she called "extraordinary knowledge of words and their effects on modern day society," and began to advance upon Erik once more.

A rare thing then happened…Erik began to panic. He drew Amaryllus close to him---here several girls narrowed their eyes in envy---and whispered, "Now."

Amaryllus opened her mouth, and began to sing. (to the tune of Old Mac'Donald.)

"_You spotted snakes with double tongue_

_Thorny hedgehogs be not seen_

_Newts and blindworms do no wrong_

_Come not near our faerie queen!"_

The Phangirls who happened to be participating in a community theatre production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" heard the song that they had all grown to loathe and ran off, screaming.

_"Philomel with melody, _

_Sing in our sweet lullaby!"_

Everyone who had never heard the word "Philomel" before joined the girls from the community theatre production and ran off.

_"Lulla lulla lullabye! _

_Lulla lulla lullabye!"_

And finally, everyone with an exception of Laurel and a scrawny little girl whom we can call Georgiana joined everyone with a speck of sanity and scampered off as fast as their little phangirl feet would carry them. They were too scared by the off-singing of Amaryllus to even think about what they were doing: abandoning their mission.

Laurel and Georgiana sniffed at the fickle loyalty of their comrades and turned to the two people before them.

"Our beloved Phantom…and girl," Georgina said in a voice that faintly resembled a Munchkin, "Our intellectual level in society is so great that no meager SONG can scare us off."

"Indeed," agreed Laurel.

Erik smiled deviously and whispered in Amaryllus's ear once again, "It's time for plan B."

Amaryllus nodded and once again began to sing.

"_The trouble with schools is, _

_They always try and teach the wrong lesson…"_

No more was needed. Georgia had already scampered off on her two little munchkin feet, and Laurel had fainted dramatically, horrified at the use of her _theme song _against her.

Erik set Amaryllus down on the pavement and straightened his clothing a bit. Wanting to feel grown up, Amaryllus pulled up her underwear and smoothed down her dress.

"So…what now, Mister?"

"Nothing I suppose," he admitted, shrugging. "Well…I try to find my way back to _my _world, and you try to find your way back home."

"Oh," Amaryllus sighed, disappointed. "I thought you were gonna stay with me some more." She looked up at him once again, her eyes beginning to grow, and----

"Allright, already!" said Erik, exasperated, "You don't need to stretch your eyes out, I'll stay."

Amaryllus gave him the largest, most sickening smile that she could manage with out all of her teeth falling out, and said, "Oh THANK you, mister! You sure won't regret it!"

_Somehow_, Erik thought, _I think I will._

But then, the author began to get bored of her story and had a wormhole magically appear and swallow Erik up, transporting him to yet another far off place that we have yet to hear about. 

Amaryllus debated crying, but eventually decided not to, and simply walked home.

Little did she know that she would see Erik again, and with him, a cast of people in odd black robes that she had never met before…

But that is another story and shall be told another time.

Simultaneously, all of the readers groaned, for this line is so overused in a certain never-ending book that they are quite sick of it and even more disappointed that the author could not find any better way to end her story, other than using that line.

The grammar freaks reading the story also winced at the above comment, which was a run-on sentence that was really unnecessary to the plot but the author felt that she HAD to put anyway, because what else could she really say to end the fic?

Oh. I know.

The End.

Yes, it's really over now.

Go back to your lives.

Ahem.

Why aren't you leaving?

Go, come on, get out of here!

Fine then…….

Suit yourself…it gets awfully boring out here with nothing to read….

Or maybe you could go back and read the story again.

Nahhh..

A\N: I have ideas for a sequel if anyone is interested. :D


End file.
